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62 Things the Avengers are Not Allowed to Do.

  • 1. Tony is not allowed to replace the entire contents of the cafeteria with pop-tarts just because Thor has declared it the ‘food of the gods.’

  • 2. Natasha is not allowed to interrogate new S.H.I.E.L.D. employees and dispose of the ones she deems unworthy.

  • 3. Clint is not allowed to continue insisting that is the final step of the interview process to terrified new hires.

  • 4. Tony is not allowed to broadcast sing-along songs into the Hulk-cage, no matter amusing he finds teaching Hulk “Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, turn around”

  • 5. Clint is not allowed to put the security feed of the Hulk’s Teddy Bear dance on Youtube.

  • 6. Bruce is not allowed to hack into personnel files to look up blackmail material on Director Fury.

  • 7. Tony is not allowed to insist that he’s already done so and that Fury’s middle name is Rainbow Sprinkles…. Because it isn’t.

  • 8. Thor is not allowed to be naked at Headquarters. Ever.

  • 9. Steve is not allowed to address any female S.H.I.E.L.D. agents as ‘little lady,’ ‘broad,’ or ‘dame.’ It only ends in getting slapped.

  • 10. Agent Coulson’s name isn’t “Mom.”

  • 11. Director Fury should never again be addressed as “Dad”

  • 12. Agent Hill is not the Avenger’s wicked stepmother.

  • 13. Clint is not allowed to lurk in the shadowy rafters spying on people, unless specifically instructed to do so for an official S.H.I.E.L.D. sanctioned mission.

  • 14. ‘Operation Irritate the Fuck Out of Nick Fury’ is not an official mission, no matter what Tony or Natasha say to the contrary.

  • 15. Debriefings should not be preceded by tequila shots.

  • 16. Debriefings should not be followed by tequila shots.

  • 17. There are to be no shots of any kind during debriefings.

  • 18. Thor and Hulk will wait to fight until after the battle is over.

  • 19. Tony Stark is not God’s gift to women.

  • 20. The Avengers do not need matching uniforms.

  • 21. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to have a contest to see who can make a bigger “boom” in the lab.

  • 22. Thor is not allowed to join in and make the biggest boom with his hammer.

  • 23. The Avengers will not be celebrating Steve’s 94th birthday.

  • 24. The laboratory is not Tony and Bruce’s ‘Super Secret Genius Clubhouse.’ They are not allowed to bar entry to employees based on IQ test results.

  • 25. The Avengers are not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.

  • 26. Iron Man is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.

  • 27. Tony Stark is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.

  • 28. Thor is not allowed to ‘bring down the wrath of Odinson’ on the person who ate the last package of pop-tarts.

  • 29. Pants are not optional at team meetings.

  • 30. ‘Pepper said it was okay’ is not a good enough reason to defy a director order from command.

  • 31. The words “What’s the worst that could happen?” are never to be uttered on a mission ever again.

  • 32. MC Hammer did not write Thor a theme song.

  • 33. Gumby is not the love child of Bruce Banner and Reed Richards.

  • 34. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to impersonate members of the clergy ever again. Ever.

  • 35. Blasting ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ at top volume into Bruce’s room on loop overnight is not an effective way to suppress the Hulk.

  • 36. Hawkeye is not sitting in the rafters waiting to pick off people playing Galaga on their computer during work hours.

  • 37. Tony is not allowed to bribe Natasha and Clint to physically, emotionally or psychologically torture General Ross for being ‘a great big douchebucket’ and ‘being mean to Brucie-kins.’

  • 38. Steve is ‘Captain America’ not ‘Captain New York and those 49 other, lesser states.’

  • 39. ‘Hulk SMASH!’ is not an effective diplomatic policy.

  • 40. Tony is not allowed to buy the Dodgers and move them back to Brooklyn to apologize for lighting Steve’s hair on fire.

  • 41. The phrase ‘Trust me, I’m a doctor’ never leads anywhere good.

  • 42. It is not funny to dare Bruce to drink three quarts of green food coloring before a urine test.

  • 43. Steve is not to be introduced as ‘Captain Tightpants’ or ‘The All-American Virgin.’

  • 44. The Avengers do not ‘charge into battle, naked like the Celts.’ Except for The Hulk. Sometimes.

  • 45. Natasha’s glare is not in fact fatal. Tony is not allowed to continue implying that it is.

  • 46. Tony is not allowed to convince Bruce to help him make death ray goggles so that it will be.

  • 47. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow the American government, just because they didn’t like the results from the last election.

  • 48. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow any government, without checking in with S.H.I.E.L.D. first.

  • 49. Clint is not allowed to sell Thor any ‘magic beans.’

  • 50. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to try to sell Tony to another planet, even if they are promised really cool new weapons in exchange.

  • 51. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go to any science conferences without a chaperone.

  • 52. A robot Tony built does not count as a chaperone.

  • 53. Nikola Tesla is not a vampire being held in the bowels of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters.

  • 54. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go searching for him in the name of Science!

  • 55. Clint’s super-power is not ‘being super-annoying.’

  • 56. The following words and phrases are never to be uttered over communication devices during an active mission ever again:

    “Exploring sexuality,” “Necrophilia,” “It’s getting hot in herr, so take off all your clothes,” “I hate everyone on this mission and I wish they’d die in a fire,” “Nick Fury can go suck on a big bag of sausages,” references to Bruce’s giant stash of weed, mention of anyone’s erection, or “Shawarma.”

  • 57. If it makes Tony giggle for more than 30 seconds, it isn’t allowed.

  • 58. If it makes Natasha crack a smile, it’s probably illegal.

  • 59. Thor taking Jane to see Asgard does not count as an alien abduction. Clint should stop referring to it as such.

  • 60. Just because Bruce agreed to work in Tony’s lab, does not mean he needs to get a “Property of Stark Industries” tattoo.

  • 61. Tony is not allowed to design a robot to draw said tattoo on Bruce when he falls asleep in the lab.

  • 62. Post-mission reports to Director Fury should not start out ‘So let me explain…’

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